Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
