is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
