Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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