just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
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