Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
