this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
