My friends, they love my intelligence
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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