found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
