So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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