Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
