it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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