Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
