I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Pants are for mortals
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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