I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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