what day is it and did you see me today?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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