i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
