i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
