i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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