i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
