He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
