are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
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Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
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I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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