my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
