So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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