Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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