I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
