just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
