Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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