So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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