You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
