I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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