Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
