were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
