so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
