My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
