I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
