cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
