That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
