Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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