I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
