I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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