There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
