So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
