"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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