dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
