Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
false alarm, still single
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