I am in a vortex of obligation.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
