She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
