i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
