Someone shit on the floor
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS