remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
