Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
