Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
im six kinds of drunk right now
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
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I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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