I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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