I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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