seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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