Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
