Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
