Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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