The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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