Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
